A Marriage of Equals

Occasionally, affianced friends and acquaintances have approached me for help and advice to input into that mutually significant but disproportionately female-influenced occasion; the event of marriage.

I say ‘disproportionately’ because so many men take little or no interest in the planning of weddings. However strong-minded they are in other things, however opinionated or of a certain taste, their own wedding is an occasion which they tend to leave to their future spouse.

I am always surprised and disappointed by this. While most of the men I have consulted have been keen to enjoy their wedding and provide input on the means of this enjoyment, they have never been in the position of ultimate decision-maker.

Most of the women I have consulted with on the other hand, have been. One particular bride-to-be was so domineering that any advice about the groomsmen’s clothes had to be approved by her before it could be imparted to her future husband, lest he should choose something ‘tasteless’ or ‘inappropriate.’ No equal was he. “If it makes her happy” was the shoulder-shrugging response from the groom.

What is most significant about this phenomenon is that it tears at the very fabric of matrimonial alliance. What should be an event of mutual contribution is merely a glimpse of a marriage of imbalances or, even worse, the prelude to a lifelong dictatorial regime. Not only that, but ‘unreasonable influence’ – particularly concerning the attire of the groom and his party – tramples on the idea that these are two beings of equal and individual wits, joining in matrimony for reasons of admiration, respect and love. It always amazed me that seeing the bride’s dress before the ‘big day’ was unlucky – but the bride matching the groom’s attire to that of her maids is entirely acceptable.

Matchy-matchy weddings irritate me enormously. The bride’s work and that of her entourage – usually a mother and a particularly intrusive aunt – is always obvious when the ‘wedding colour’ is evident in everything from the ushers’ cufflinks to the paper handkerchiefs at the wedding breakfast. Making sure the colours match exactly is not aesthetic or artistic, it is simply scientific and statistical, cold and predictable. The nonsense of matching the bride’s party to that of the groom’s is merely a symbol of the groom relinquishing any interest in controlling his half of the wedding contract, not the trite, post-rationalised logic that ‘if everything matches, we must be perfectly suited to one another after all.’

The groom should not be ‘trussed up’ like some doll, as though he is incapable of dressing himself. He shouldn’t be limited by the colours in his bride’s bouquet or the imagination of his future mother-in-law. Instead, he should be exacting complete control on his party. Consulting, without his bride, on the attire of his best men and ushers. Choosing his clothing on the basis of his sense of the occasion, showing who he is, and what he offers going into the marriage – not the obedient fool his wife is bound to fashion him into.


  1. David V said:

    I was fortunate in that my bride left to me to decide how the men dressed. Actually, she was always asking my advice on everything to do with our wedding. Could be a small reason why we will be celebrating 35 years this June.

    April 5, 2013
  2. Paul said:

    Brilliant, brilliant. Absolutely agree.

    April 8, 2013
  3. Donna said:

    I agree with you being someone who has work in the bridal industry; selling bridesmaids and bridal a gowns, been a bridesmaid myself and now a bride-to-be. I strongly believe that the days of matchy, matchy anything have kicked the bucket and men that mature enough make this next step in their lives are more than likely able to pick out their own suit/tuxedo for the occasion. But, not all men are the same when it comes to this. Most actually, don’t want to be bothered with the details or even know what choices go into picking the entire assemble.
    I am a Partner of Blank Suits, a custom menswear line that specializes in shirts, suits, formal wear, outerwear, and accessories. We provide a service where we go to the clients home or office at their convenience with all materials needed to create their ideal personalized garments. We offer men an unique buying experience for him and his fiance or his groomsmen. We encourage fiances/partners to participate in the appointment to help with coordinating colors and theme of the event.
    If we set up an event for the bridal party we can arrange to have the appointment held at a venue of their choice with an activity that reflects their interest such as a Scotch or Tequila tasting. This makes the experience more than just picking out fabric and lapels, but more of a guys time to hang out with the closest friends make this part of the wedding planning less painful and more enjoyable and memorable.

    April 8, 2013
  4. Judet Meretis said:

    The article completely hits the mark! I’ve always remembered watching wedding shows on TLC when I was younger and being completely appaled by how domineering the bride would be at her wedding. What’s worse is that it usually is, in fact, a prelude to how she’ll be in other parts of the marriage, as well. It’s very sad to see men hand over power–and over their own things, at that–so easily.

    April 10, 2013

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